It’s been a long year… but its been a year of lessons and growing in many areas. Before I break into details just forewarning…Don’t spend a lot of time looking at other things on this site. It’s outdated and needs a lot of attention!
**warning this isn’t sugar coated and its pretty personal its not intended for sympathy but to share our story and maybe inspire or help someone else who has lost hope**
As a child growing up I watched movies and television shows where people got pregnant, had babies and lived happily ever after. As I continued to grow I watched family members and friends bring new bundles of joy to their families that we cuddled and loved. In my fantasy world pregnancy was full rainbows and unicorns and when the time was right I too I would experience all this. Boy, was that wrong! I mean don’t get me wrong, occasionally you heard the story of something bad happening, but I was a healthy person and so was my husband so how in the world could that happen to us!
Last spring my husband and I decided that we were ready to start trying to bring a baby into our family. Although both a little nervous we were excited about this new adventure. What we didn’t know at the time was the journey we had just started and the plan God had for us.
In August of last year I had my first miscarriage. It was super early in my pregnancy and only through a blood test at my doctor’s office for another issue was it discovered. I think Justin and I were in such shock we didn’t really understand how to take it. We were told from the beginning that it most likely wasn’t going to be a successful pregnancy and would take a miracle. I was an emotional roller coaster and honestly Justin was in South Dakota looking at cows and not to make him sound like a bad person but his mind wasn’t on this. It wasn’t going to work so we needed to buck up and move on.
After a few weeks we got life together and figured we would keep trying. Everything was cleared by our doctor and she thought we would be just fine. In my mind I kept thinking no way this would happen twice. A few weeks before Christmas of this past year we had another confirmed pregnancy test. We were so excited! We were going to be able to tell our families at Christmas and our first bundle of joy would be arriving in August.
Then, the Monday of the week of Christmas I woke up feeling strange of having some symptoms that were not right. I called the doctor’s office and they called in some lab work for me. On my way to the lab and work I knew what was happening in my gut and I was right. I was having my second miscarriage. To be frank…THIS WAS HARD! SO HARD! Neither Justin or I were prepared for this. I was blessed that Justin’s job let him stay home with me for several days. I was an emotional mess. Even crying in the kitchen one night because he was going to put ham on my sandwich when I only wanted turkey. When I returned to work I had extreme anxiety, something I had never experienced before. My heart was literally broken. I gained weight and I was scared to try again. Every time I saw a friend or someone we knew get pregnant I was angry and jealous even though outwardly I wished them well. Every single announcement on social media was a kick in the gut.
It was at this extremely low emotional point that it finally sunk in who I needed to turn to. GOD.
I started listening to Christian music on my way to work and praying and crying and talking to God on my drive to and from work. Eventually I started to feel the burden and sorrow lift off my heart. I quit saying I was going to give it to God and I actually did. I told him to handle it and I would trust him. I wear a ring on my finger that says, “If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it.” I finally felt I was in a place that I fully believed that statement.
A few months ago we decided we were both ready to embark on this journey again. I prayed to God every night that this time it work. We were ready. Third time was a charm right? The doctor said we were good to go. A little over a week ago we had a confirmed pregnancy test. We were so excited! Our due date was going to be Valentine’s day…how fitting right?
Because of our past history we only told our moms and were going to wait until we were further along to surprise our dads and siblings. I thanked God and prayed everyday that this be the healthy child we had been praying for. But God had something else in mind. On Saturday night I started having some weird symptoms and thought I was having another miscarriage. I was devastated. I just couldn’t believe this was happening a third time. I knew that God had a plan and I needed to trust it but I just really thought this time it was going to work.
Overnight I started getting severe pain in my stomach on my right side that was not normal to my previous miscarriage. At 6 am (ON FATHER’S DAY of ALL DAYS) we decided Justin needed to take me to the emergency room. It was there that we would soon discover that our journey to a family was just beginning. At 10:30 am we were informed that I had an ectopic pregnancy and they would immediately be prepping me for surgery where there would be a high possibility of them removing my right fallopian tube. Justin and I just sort of stared at each other in disbelief. A few tears were shed and he told me I had to be brave and I knew he was right.
It was at the moment I said I silent prayer to God and I gave him my worries, my sorrow and my fear. I told him I trusted his plan and I would have faith in whatever he brought next. I asked him to get me through this hurdle and thanked him for all our blessings. Honestly, I was probably more scared about all the needles, blood and pain surrounding me because if you know me you know I hate all three of those things.
The next few hours before surgery were a blur of emotions and my mom and Justin keeping me positive and laughing. In my heart I knew that God had this and we would just see what was next. And I was right. I was very lucky that we had come to the ER when we did and my body had reacted well to the trauma.The doctor was the best we could ask for and she held my hand at my hospital bed until I went under anesthesia. Although they did have to remove my right tube due to 75% infection, I loss minimal blood and shouldn’t have fertility issues in my remaining one. My husband has since been calling me 101 after an Angus cow we have with only one uterine horn (that’s what happens when you are married to a cattle guy).
Even though its been a crazy year and a journey we never expected, in my heart I know that God still has a plan for us in our journey to raise a family. When it is finally our turn it is going to be even more amazing and wonderful than we ever expected. I know that through our patience and trust in him we will be rewarded. Who knew that this journey would strengthen my faith, my friendships and our marriage so much. Justin has been with me every step of the way. Quite frankly in the last 48 hours he has seen more and learned more and had to help me with more than he probably ever thought he would have to deal with. (He mentioned a couple of times about the for better for worse part of his vows haha). Our family dropped everything and came to our side as well and for that we are so lucky and thankful.
I know there is a lot of personal information and maybe some TMI but I am writing this for a few reasons. For starters its a way I cope emotionally. I get things off my chest by writing about them. Additionally, I hope if there is anyone else out there struggling with this issue or similar issue this encourages them to cling on to hope and walk closer in their faith with God.
I want to say thank you to everyone who has supported us and sent us kind words during this journey. We are so blessed with amazing family and friends. I am not writing this for sympathy, yeah it sucks, but I am not sorry it happened. We will push forward and we will keep going. If you want to help us then just keep us on your prayer list. We are never going to say no to an extra prayer.
“Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her” Luke 1:45
“If God answers your prayers, he is increasing your faith, if he delays he is increasing your patience, if he doesn’t answer, he has something better for you.”